- cross-posted to:
- nottheonion
- cross-posted to:
- nottheonion
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No, JD Vance did not have sex with a couch
Sounds like something some one who had sex with a couch would say.
Technically it wasn’t sex.
That was what he said. To get out of child support payments.
Those poor little footstools are gonna have a hard life when they become chase lounges.
Especially because they’re ugly.
Won’t someone think of the ottoman?
The eyeliner helps though.
Ok, raped a couch. I doubt it could consent.
Title is misleading. A better title would be, “No JD Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir.”
For all we know, he may have fucked a plethora of furniture that did not make it into his memoir.
…to completion…
It does seem like an oddly specific denial.
With how it’s worded, it could even imply that he did reach completion, just that he was too selfish to help the couch get there.
And the next sentence is ‘That is a lie.’
Is this calling the claim of his bad couch loving a lie, or his previous sentence where he denied it?
No, JD Vance did not fuck a couch.
A couch fucked JD Vance. There’s not a chance in hell he’s the pitcher.
🤣
Headlines from our current era that would totally baffle people just 10/20/30 years ago.
Naw. They’ve already come across rule 34.
They’ll just assume we’re freaks, like everyone else
A searchable PDF of the memoir includes 10 mentions of the word “couch” or “couches,” …But at no point in his memoir does Vance write about performing sex acts on a couch
AP: “We’re not actually reading that garbage but Ctrl+F find nothing.”
An Associated Press reporter reviewed pages 179 to 181 in a physical copy
“Ok,we read 3 pages.”
“AP… did you eat your vegetables?”
“Oh? Oh Really? Well how many did you eat?”
“No. I mean eat. Not just pushed around the plate…”
“That’s it. No more couch fuckin’ til you’ve finished your corn!”
Whoever Harris picks for veep, I’d like to see an ad of them saying “I believe JD Vance when he says he never had sex with his couch.”
I don’t think it was even his, he apparently did it in a store…
Because it was actually a loveseat.
True is it was a futon… But since futons can “transform” JD could never admit to sleeping with something “trans”
You win the internet today 1000%.
This is so fucking funny.
When the main discourse around your new running mate is whether or not he fucked a couch, you did not pick a strong candidate. Trumps gotta be pissed.
People are saying he did have sex with a couch.
When you have to explain it…
Narrator voice: “He did.”
Are you sure? Lots of people are saying he did. Lots.
I think you have to write “JD Vance did not have sex with a couch once” or else it’s potentially libel.
Hey, we’re just asking questions.
