The original post: /r/amitheasshole by /u/No_Sun4767 on 2025-02-20 07:54:25.

I (27F) am not going to my brothers (30M) wedding, nor have I responded to his RSVP or his texts.

The backstory:

I had the type of childhood I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. That’s not saying it was all bad, I was privileged and afforded opportunities that I’m extremely grateful for. But, the things my brother did to me, the abuse I endured from him, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And my parents never really knew about it.

My brother moved out of the country when he was 18, so the abuse stoped. But it took me till I had moved out of my childhood home, 3 years later, also at 18, to realize what happened during my adolescence with my brother was not okay and was in fact abuse. It took another 8 years for me to realize that I can choose who I want in my life and who I don’t want. And about a year and half ago, I realized that I didn’t want my brother in my life.

If I got married I wouldn’t want my brother there, if I had kids, I would never have my brother around them. I accepted that I didn’t want him in my life and it was okay to not be a part of his life. So one day, I just stopped responding to his occasional texts, Essentially, I guess, I ghosted my brother.

About 6months after this decision my brother sent out wedding invites. He is having two weddings and I immediately knew I was not going to either. I didn’t want to go. So I didn’t respond.

My parents obviously really want me to go, even offering to pay for flights and the hotel. But I kept pushing it off, citing school. But my mom went ahead and booked a hotel room and in no uncertain terms, basically RSVPed for me.

When my mom came to visit me I sat her down and told her that I didn’t want a relationship with my brother. I even told her very vague details about his abuse. She was obviously upset, but she apologized for not being there for me during, and understood my reasoning for not wanting a relationship, and she wouldn’t push the wedding anymore. She also stated that she would talk with my father when she got home. I kindly asked that she cancel anything she booked for me for the wedding. That was about 4 months ago.

About a week ago, my mom finally canceled the hotel room, but I guess that also meant that people started noticing I wasn’t coming. In the last week I have received 2 phone calls and 4 texts from my dad asking me to reconsider and come to the wedding. In addition, my mom has texted me asking me to tell my brother why I won’t come. And my brother has been texting me asking me why, and to reconsider. I have basically avoided and not responded to any of these messages or requests. I know it’s not the best solution, but it makes me really anxious, and avoidance is my go to anxiety response. But what better option is there? How else could I shut down there requests for me to come without disclosing the abuse? Thus, I’ve ghosted…

So, am I the asshole for not going to my brother’s wedding and ghosting everyone?