The original post: /r/amitheasshole by /u/brentwoodbunny on 2025-02-09 06:10:46.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (26F) have been together for a year and a half, long-distance (2 hours apart). Around six months in, I noticed he became less affectionate and flirtatious. I brought it up several times, and he promised to try harder, but things would go back to how they were after a week. Recently, he’s been turning down chances to see me, and we only meet once or twice a month.

A week ago, I sent him a clear message about needing more emotional support and wanted things to go back to how they were. I explained my needs and reassured him that I wasn’t unappreciative, just wanting to avoid reaching a breaking point. He told me he didn’t have time to read it but would get to it later. He never responded, and things felt off, so I asked him tonight if he had read it. He said he had and felt like I was being ungrateful. He brought up the expensive Christmas gift he got me and the flowers he sent for my birthday, saying I should appreciate them more. And that there have been times before when I missed out on him getting me flowers because he felt I didn’t deserve them.

He also told me that when we first started dating, he felt he needed to try harder to keep my attention, but now that he “has” me, he doesn’t need to put in that effort anymore. He said he’s already “won” and doesn’t need to keep trying year after year.

I’ve always bought him gifts, never holding it over his head. Gift-giving is my love language, not receiving them, but if I had to choose between emotional effort and material effort, I would choose emotional effort. I don’t understand why he’s equating the two. It feels manipulative, especially since he’s never acted this way before. I’ve been in toxic relationships before, and now I’m seeing signs of manipulation that I didn’t recognize earlier.

Did he just admit to love-bombing me when he said he “won” me and doesn’t need to try anymore? I don’t know if I’m being too hard on him or if I’m just now seeing his true colors. I want to believe he’s still the loving, affectionate man I first met, but I’m starting to doubt I’ll ever see that side of him again. I’m conflicted because I’ve built memories with him, but I’m unsure whether to stay or walk away. Am I the asshole for wanting more effort, or is he manipulating me, and I’ll only be the asshole if I stay?